It Will Rain

Due to work, illnesses, and stupid, stupid, STUPID biology.....I've been away from blogging for what seems an eternity. With the fall semester finally over with, I'm starting to feel like I can be myself again. I felt as if I had been holding my breath and can now finally release it.

I feel different from how I've felt at the beginning of the semester. I feel healed. Healed from all the hurt that was inflicted upon me during the summer. Healed from all the bull shit lies and people who wronged me over and over again. Healed from the name Cody Allen Conrad. And...I couldn't be happier than I am right now.

I'm finally in a functional relationship.....as in.....with someone who isn't selfish, manipulative, negative, and a flat out bitch.

Yeah...I thought that deserved to be by itself lol. A certain friend of mine, I love her to death...but I don't agree with her on some things. Mostly, regarding boys. Near the beginning when things with Brenden got the least bit rocky, she exclaimed that maybe we need to be friends for awhile before we made the next step. I didn't believe her. She said she liked to take it slow. Hypocrite? Just a bit.

I'm thankful for how we are. I'm not set on being friends for awhile before being in a serious relationship. It doesn't matter. I knew Cody since I was 10 years old. We were very close friends. Just because you think you know someone doesn't mean you know them once you're in a relationship with them. Taking that next step really reveals the type of person you're dealing with. A sweet, attentive guy turned into a selfish, whiny, manwhore who took everything from me....or so I thought. He took who I was...but I'm better off being the person I've become.

A leap of faith with Brenden and I couldn't be happier. I mean sure....we get on eachother's nerves and bicker, but I love him and he loves me and that's what matters. That's love. When your world is about to crumble and you're not on the best terms with someone and they come to you with open arms, that's love. It doesn't matter that we weren't friends for a year and took the plunge. We had days and nights of getting to know eachother.

It doesn't matter where he takes you. It doesn't matter what he buys you. It doesn't even matter how many times he makes you mad. It doesn't matter how many times in a day he calls you pretty. What matters is if he tries.

Roses die. Everything physical eventually withers. I'm starting to realize all of this. I've had friends complain of "he never takes me out.", "he doesn't call me pretty enough", "he never buys me flowers". I'm guilty of this as well...I admit it. 

That's what a problem of my relationship was. I was listening to my friends and it all started to bother me. How many times has he called me pretty??? I was bothered by this but he's right. He's with ME. Isn't that enough? If he changes his mind, I'm sure he'd say something about it. I don't need to be called pretty five million times a day to know he loves me. I would like to think that eventually one would get tired of such excessive fawning..unless they're narcissistic.

Let's do a test. Listen to the song "More than Words" by Extreme. Want a cheatsheet? The gist of the lyrics include if the words "I love you" were taken away, how would you show that you love someone?

Last Dance

Like Marilyn Monroe, I wore one of his button-up shirts. We were cooking together one lazy Sunday evening. This was something we enjoyed doing together. I played Michael Buble, Lifehouse, Alyssa Bernal, anything soft. My favorite songs I sang the loudest.....he'd scoop me up and waltz with me, singing along too. He dipped me and kissed me slowly.

I was reminded of this memory in a dream I had last night. This memory was one of the only good ones I can think of Cody off the top of my head. I always knew he loved me when he would dance with me....either in complete silence or with music. In our apartment or in his car. We'd venture off somewhere new and he'd leave the windows down and played the music....we'd slow dance...talking and laughing. That's when I knew I was in love.

Someday I'll have this kinda of moment with someone else. Someone who's worth it.

Red Lipstick and A Dangerous Attitude

Red- Dramatic, Bold, Sexy, Fierce

It's like instant confidence when worn (the right way...not the hooker way). If I could wear red lipstick everyday, I would but I'd get tired of it...eventually. Make-up in general? You people know me....ain't gonna happen. If I ever become famous, I'll probably still insist on doing my own make-up.

I know I haven't blogged in a month and the sad part is, I don't even think I could provide a good update if I tried. Today, I just finished writing lyrics for a song I'm collaborating in my songwriting class. Simple piano accompaniment...kinda like a Christina Perri/Evanescence type of feel to it. Though I wish I could even compare myself to Amy Lee. She's the most amazing singer I've ever heard.

This past month, I've felt completely self-conscious about everything that has to do with myself. My hair, my face, my figure, my voice......I don't want to bash myself but I can't help it. We have our "ugly" days...I'm having an "ugly" month I suppose. I hope I can talk myself out of it. I'm done for the night I suppose...I'll return when I can correctly collect my thoughts lol.

Barbed Wire

Getting done with doing homework at a bowling alley with women "wahooing" and squealing, I've struggled to keep myself sane. I think it would've been easier if I hadn't had a full day of work, going back and forth between departments and dealing with ignorant people that make me want to pull out my hair. Enough about that.....

I've fancied a ring that has barbed wire engraved on it. I don't need diamonds, rubies, sapphires.....just give me barbed wire. I think it matches my personality the best. It kinda makes me think when Cody and I broke up....I had this sudden urge to get a tattoo with the word "Unbreakable".  I went crazy obsessed with that word. Just to prove that a boy will never fully break my heart or make me lose sense of who I am. Sure, I lost myself in our relationship...but I still knew the kind of girl I really was...especially when everything was said and done.

I try to make myself seem really tough...and with the thought of barbed wire, I think of my guard that I have up. When you get hurt once, it's one thing. You're either naive or completely paranoid. I was inbetween.....I would consider it to be skeptical. I was skeptical because I knew that there's someone out there who's completely worth letting down my guard around but also, it's hard to recognize who's worth it and who tries to make you believe that they are. If you let your guard down for everyone, you're letting everyone have the opportunity to hurt you. It's just not what you should do.

I will fully only open up to probably three or four people off the top of my head right now. I can't take risks and just assume that I won't be hurt again.

Kismet.

Referring to the Turkish word for fate or destiny, I'll always be fascinated with "kismet".

Reflecting back on my summer, it wasn't my proudest moment. I kept trying to make things happen for myself and that's why they didn't work out. Zane.....turned out to be a player...like he was like 3 years ago??? Some things never change. Nick.....it seemed like we were both trying to use eachother to get over our exes..which doesn't work. And James.....He's overseas and claimed that he was still in love with me but yet, he can't seem to stop putting pictures of him and his exgirlfriend....a.k.a. "best friend" up on facebook as his profile picture. You're not fooling me, bub. James told me to move on because of his position....him being in the army and such....and I guess he didn't like the outcome of what happened. As in...I moved on and it ticked him off. My heart has been a rollercoaster, lots of ups and downs....and falls.

This kismet actually started and ended with a kiss. A kiss from Cody Conrad started my journey of misery, insanity, wonderment, and best of all, bliss. I was asked for a goodnight kiss from him...that was the last time I saw him before he called it quits. A kiss full of mocking torture and amusement. A kiss that he claimed took place "out of old habit". Those words will always haunt me. A figurative way to slap a girl in the face. He did it out of spite and to rub it in all the while, leading me on.

We have all learned by now that I'm not the kind of girl who will wait around. This is why I had a crazy summer full of trying to find his replacement. By the time the summer was over though, I had realized I didn't want a replacement. A replacement is for when your favorite flip flops break and you buy another pair....the same color and all. I wanted something better....An Upgrade.

A Blind Date at a bowling alley is where the kismet began. I couldn't stand the guy I was being set up with, all the while, there was someone working there that I wanted to get to know. I couldn't approach him. I was on a date? How bad would that look. "Oh hey, I'm on a date with this loser but you're really cute. I'd like to get to know you?" Blahhh....player alert.

Twist of fate all happened two nights after the date. I was bored and decided to post an ad up on craigslist as a test. If this guy was meant to meet me and get to know me....he'd find a way to see what I wrote, right? RIGHT! He replied and everything started right then and there. Phone calls, emails, dates. He asked me to be his girlfriend and we kissed. There we go....BOOM! Kismet.

Ofcourse, this is the definite condensed version of what happened if you're really curious for the full details...you'll just have to message me or whatever! In conclusion of everything....I'm glad that Cody is a lying, cheating sack of crap and that I was able to realize this so I could finally have something.....and someone better. That boy was used to having everything handed to him and so his new girlfriend can deal with that. I have someone now that while I'm focusing on him, he's focusing on me. 50/50....what I've always wanted. Get it, Got it, Good. I feel complete :) Please, nobody try and wipe the smile off my face because you'll be merely disappointed!

And I'm off to finally say goodbye. Until next time.

My Happily Ever After?

So, I'm stuck in a phase between constant doubt and rejection. Someone will start talking to me....and then totally hard to read and I don't hear from them. There's only one guy I'm talking to now and I hope that it works out. I doubt myself a lot though, I'm trying not to. I hope he was truthful as well by telling me that he wasn't talking to other girls. I don't want to be hurt again. No more intended heartbreak. I can't say I won't get my heart broken again...it's bound to happen. I just hope the next person who does it will actually be sorry for it.

I want someone who's not going to be a coward. By this, I mean they know that they have a good thing and they'll hold onto it...not throw it away. When things get difficult, he'll stick around for me because he actually means that he loves me. He's not a fake. I want someone upfront and honest with me. I want a man, not a boy who will run and hide.

Maybe the one that I have my eye on will surprise me even more. Who knows. I just need to let things happen rather than to try to make them happen. Just let me know how you truly feel and that will be enough. I promise.

Did I jinx it????

It's amazing how one thing can turn your world around. Brittany and I have found a house that we are proudly going to call home. It's really cute and cozy, and the location's not so bad either :) Moving in August 1st. That of course brings up the fact that whatshisface still owes me money. This very subject makes me sick to my stomach. I feel cheated in more ways than one...of course the obvious.

On a slightly different note, I partially feel like I'm jinxing everything. I'm trying not to get my heart set on things because I'm scared of getting hurt or disappointed. Why should I take risks if nobody else is putting themselves out there. Blah, blah, blah.....you're playing it safe.....yeah, yeah. I want someone to prove to me that I should take a chance and then I will. Somebody's gotta show me a sign. The Batman symbol by chance? Better yet, just give me Batman :)

My three days of fun and playtime are over. It's time to get back to work. I don't know.....I just wish someone would tell me everything is going to work out the way I want it to. That'd be nice. Anyways, until next time!

New Chapter. New Blog.

Okay, for those you have followed my blog entries.....an important note. That blog no longer exists!!!! I figured with everything going on, I didn't want reminders of my past entries haunting me. It's time for a fresh start. Let me start over for you guys! I'm Candice....the famously ranter of all subjects but mostly boys. (It's not exactly something I'm proud of lol.....I just always have something to say!) I'm about to start my sophomore year of college...and about to turn 20 as well. I'm not a baby anymore :/ I'm currently house hunting with my friend Brittany...who is the sweetest girl I know! Hopefully, we'll find something soon cause we're already tired of looking! lol. I love hanging out with my best friend Christina Gehris...I don't know what I would do without this girl.

My heart has been twisted into so many pieces I don't even know where to begin. Keep in mind, this is past tense.....as in, not anymore. Here's what happened with Cody so I don't have to explain it to anyone anymore. Everything was fine until the 2nd to last week of June. He started hiding my stuff from the apartment...including my flipflops (which is odd). He didn't want to spend time with me anymore. He wanted me to hang out with my family or go to Walnut Grove and when I would go, he'd coaxed me into leaving behind my key to the apartment. He was supposed to pick me up one night from WG when he got off work at 8 so he could look at a table for the apartment we were going to get together. He didn't come pick me up until 2 in the morning and refused to answer any of my calls. He said he was hanging out with a friend from work and went to see a movie. On my way to work the next day...he called and explained that he would be hanging out with this friend at work again. My heart sank and I called into work and rushed back to the apartment to try and talk to him but he was already gone. Long story short, He didn't want us to live together so I packed up my things from the apartment and am living back home. I called him and asked him what was going on and he slipped that there was another girl....but once I displayed the fact that he cheated on me on facebook, he claimed he told me that just to get me off the phone. Whatever. I'd rather someone break up with me over the phone...not facebook just by changing your facebook status and blocking me. Enough about that though.

Anyways, that's what happened for the most part. I'm currently in the best shape I've been in since high school. I see my friends whenever I want to. Someone who was very important in my life a few years ago has helped me forget about Cody completely...that takes skills. I don't think he realizes how much I've missed him and how messed up I've been since he left. I finally feel like I'm the strong girl I used to be. I feel like myself again :)

I better get off here and whatnot, so peace out my lovelies and see you next time :)