Let the Past be the Past

I know sometimes people get the sudden urge to wonder about getting back together with a person. I think that's how we all secretly feel about our first love.....doing something different to make it all right again. I've tried in the past to do this and rejection was harsh. Someone who you first loved changes into a person....wait, a stranger...and the only way to really associate yourself with them is by talking about the past. That's how it was with Nick. Over the summer, I finally hung out with him after months of uncertainty. I told him that because I was with Cody, I wouldn't meet with him even for coffee. But with the whole mess of a breakup, I thought I'd give him a shot. He took me out to dinner and we were laughing and such like old times. At the end of it all though, I wanted more and he wanted nothing. Broken too many times and I had hurt him in the past...he just didn't want to deal with it. I don't blame him.

The other morning as I struggled to wake myself up, I shut off my alarm on my phone and saw that I had a message on facebook. It was Charles Choate....you know, compulsive liar....the one who cheated on me on my birthday? The one who tried forcing me to have sex with him on prom night? The last person on Earth (besides Cody Conrad) that I would want to speak to? Yeah...him.

He was thinking about me and wanted to see how I was. I replied...trying to be nice because I felt sorry for him. Next thing I know, he keeps persisting for me to give him a chance and leave my boyfriend for him. I tell him that I love Brenden and he tells me that he respects that....but then tells me that I never stopped loving him? Ugh.

This is where the saying, "Let the Past be the Past" comes in. You can't force someone to love you...nor can you force someone to love you again. I tried it....and I've been in the other shoes as well and either role isn't fun. You'll end up getting hurt and rejected. If the other person  agrees to be together again...it's a fork in the road. Either it can great (if you can forgive what's been done in the past), or it can be a disaster if the past resurfaces.

A Perfect Valentine's Day

      As Valentine's Day rolls around, I can't help but to think about the balloons, flowers, candy hearts, and the dates. Shall we go with the typical dinner and a movie? Or oh so over-the-top with carriage rides and hot air balloon rides? I don't really care much for the obvious or even the extravagent. I don't care for that kind of stuff. This is what I would like as a nice Valentine's date :)

      A nice dinner cooked and brought to a place in the middle of nowhere. Candles, blankets, and the windows down and the radio up. A dance or two would be a bonus :) Oh....and pictures together. It's the one day to be romantic and not get criticized for being mushy or whipped. So of course I'd want to document it.

In conclusion, I dont ask for a lot when it comes to my boyfriends. And maybe that's what I have gotten taken advantage of with my past relationships. But I deserve to have one day to be shown that I'm loved.

     So this is a hint to whoever maybe reading this and whoever can pass this along to you-know-who.

Cheers to Love,
     -Candice

Nightmares Unforgotten

When I was about 9 or 10 years old, I snuck behind the couch and peer at the side....allowing myself to view The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. Short version of this story???? I wasn't allowed to watch it but I did anyways. I didn't mind the decapitation or the gut slashing. The Hessian Soldier (a.k.a. The Headless Horseman) terrified me as he put back on his head at the end and his face was reconstructed. His face was so terrifying, I had night terrors for months...even years.

I had a nightmare not too long ago that had the same feeling the one about the Hessian gave me. Both past and present were twisted into a mess of terror. This is what the dream consisted of.

Brenden had come to my house with another girl. Mystery girl. They were cuddling and tickling each other in my bed with a translucent sheet where I could see everything. Later they went out to eat and came back to my house. Finally, I asked the girl why she was at my house. "For romance?" she answered. I turned to Brenden and asked him why she said that and it came to my understanding then that this was his form of a breakup.

Sound familiar? Heart-wrenching, blood freezing, head throbbing pain. It was as if the past was being relived for me except I was actually present like a ghost.

With Cody, I wasn't there when he brought over the girl...but I wasn't stupid. He claimed she was never over there and that she knew about me. Why hide every detail of me living there??? My make-up....my jacket....my flip flops? Why would you try to convince someone that you loved them so much and did everything for them if you turn around and do the one thing that shows the complete opposite. I'm not dwelling on the past. I guess I just want an answer that will never be revealed to me.

I'm relieved for his mistake. I am glad for his stupidity. I'm no longer the trophy girlfriend. The one he showed off to his friends. I'm no long the object of a cruel game where in public, everything was perfect. Everyone was convinced that we were so in love. That couldn't be further from the truth.

I'll write again when I feel more composed.

It Will Rain

Due to work, illnesses, and stupid, stupid, STUPID biology.....I've been away from blogging for what seems an eternity. With the fall semester finally over with, I'm starting to feel like I can be myself again. I felt as if I had been holding my breath and can now finally release it.

I feel different from how I've felt at the beginning of the semester. I feel healed. Healed from all the hurt that was inflicted upon me during the summer. Healed from all the bull shit lies and people who wronged me over and over again. Healed from the name Cody Allen Conrad. And...I couldn't be happier than I am right now.

I'm finally in a functional relationship.....as in.....with someone who isn't selfish, manipulative, negative, and a flat out bitch.

Yeah...I thought that deserved to be by itself lol. A certain friend of mine, I love her to death...but I don't agree with her on some things. Mostly, regarding boys. Near the beginning when things with Brenden got the least bit rocky, she exclaimed that maybe we need to be friends for awhile before we made the next step. I didn't believe her. She said she liked to take it slow. Hypocrite? Just a bit.

I'm thankful for how we are. I'm not set on being friends for awhile before being in a serious relationship. It doesn't matter. I knew Cody since I was 10 years old. We were very close friends. Just because you think you know someone doesn't mean you know them once you're in a relationship with them. Taking that next step really reveals the type of person you're dealing with. A sweet, attentive guy turned into a selfish, whiny, manwhore who took everything from me....or so I thought. He took who I was...but I'm better off being the person I've become.

A leap of faith with Brenden and I couldn't be happier. I mean sure....we get on eachother's nerves and bicker, but I love him and he loves me and that's what matters. That's love. When your world is about to crumble and you're not on the best terms with someone and they come to you with open arms, that's love. It doesn't matter that we weren't friends for a year and took the plunge. We had days and nights of getting to know eachother.

It doesn't matter where he takes you. It doesn't matter what he buys you. It doesn't even matter how many times he makes you mad. It doesn't matter how many times in a day he calls you pretty. What matters is if he tries.

Roses die. Everything physical eventually withers. I'm starting to realize all of this. I've had friends complain of "he never takes me out.", "he doesn't call me pretty enough", "he never buys me flowers". I'm guilty of this as well...I admit it. 

That's what a problem of my relationship was. I was listening to my friends and it all started to bother me. How many times has he called me pretty??? I was bothered by this but he's right. He's with ME. Isn't that enough? If he changes his mind, I'm sure he'd say something about it. I don't need to be called pretty five million times a day to know he loves me. I would like to think that eventually one would get tired of such excessive fawning..unless they're narcissistic.

Let's do a test. Listen to the song "More than Words" by Extreme. Want a cheatsheet? The gist of the lyrics include if the words "I love you" were taken away, how would you show that you love someone?

Last Dance

Like Marilyn Monroe, I wore one of his button-up shirts. We were cooking together one lazy Sunday evening. This was something we enjoyed doing together. I played Michael Buble, Lifehouse, Alyssa Bernal, anything soft. My favorite songs I sang the loudest.....he'd scoop me up and waltz with me, singing along too. He dipped me and kissed me slowly.

I was reminded of this memory in a dream I had last night. This memory was one of the only good ones I can think of Cody off the top of my head. I always knew he loved me when he would dance with me....either in complete silence or with music. In our apartment or in his car. We'd venture off somewhere new and he'd leave the windows down and played the music....we'd slow dance...talking and laughing. That's when I knew I was in love.

Someday I'll have this kinda of moment with someone else. Someone who's worth it.

Red Lipstick and A Dangerous Attitude

Red- Dramatic, Bold, Sexy, Fierce

It's like instant confidence when worn (the right way...not the hooker way). If I could wear red lipstick everyday, I would but I'd get tired of it...eventually. Make-up in general? You people know me....ain't gonna happen. If I ever become famous, I'll probably still insist on doing my own make-up.

I know I haven't blogged in a month and the sad part is, I don't even think I could provide a good update if I tried. Today, I just finished writing lyrics for a song I'm collaborating in my songwriting class. Simple piano accompaniment...kinda like a Christina Perri/Evanescence type of feel to it. Though I wish I could even compare myself to Amy Lee. She's the most amazing singer I've ever heard.

This past month, I've felt completely self-conscious about everything that has to do with myself. My hair, my face, my figure, my voice......I don't want to bash myself but I can't help it. We have our "ugly" days...I'm having an "ugly" month I suppose. I hope I can talk myself out of it. I'm done for the night I suppose...I'll return when I can correctly collect my thoughts lol.

Barbed Wire

Getting done with doing homework at a bowling alley with women "wahooing" and squealing, I've struggled to keep myself sane. I think it would've been easier if I hadn't had a full day of work, going back and forth between departments and dealing with ignorant people that make me want to pull out my hair. Enough about that.....

I've fancied a ring that has barbed wire engraved on it. I don't need diamonds, rubies, sapphires.....just give me barbed wire. I think it matches my personality the best. It kinda makes me think when Cody and I broke up....I had this sudden urge to get a tattoo with the word "Unbreakable".  I went crazy obsessed with that word. Just to prove that a boy will never fully break my heart or make me lose sense of who I am. Sure, I lost myself in our relationship...but I still knew the kind of girl I really was...especially when everything was said and done.

I try to make myself seem really tough...and with the thought of barbed wire, I think of my guard that I have up. When you get hurt once, it's one thing. You're either naive or completely paranoid. I was inbetween.....I would consider it to be skeptical. I was skeptical because I knew that there's someone out there who's completely worth letting down my guard around but also, it's hard to recognize who's worth it and who tries to make you believe that they are. If you let your guard down for everyone, you're letting everyone have the opportunity to hurt you. It's just not what you should do.

I will fully only open up to probably three or four people off the top of my head right now. I can't take risks and just assume that I won't be hurt again.