Let the Past be the Past

I know sometimes people get the sudden urge to wonder about getting back together with a person. I think that's how we all secretly feel about our first love.....doing something different to make it all right again. I've tried in the past to do this and rejection was harsh. Someone who you first loved changes into a person....wait, a stranger...and the only way to really associate yourself with them is by talking about the past. That's how it was with Nick. Over the summer, I finally hung out with him after months of uncertainty. I told him that because I was with Cody, I wouldn't meet with him even for coffee. But with the whole mess of a breakup, I thought I'd give him a shot. He took me out to dinner and we were laughing and such like old times. At the end of it all though, I wanted more and he wanted nothing. Broken too many times and I had hurt him in the past...he just didn't want to deal with it. I don't blame him.

The other morning as I struggled to wake myself up, I shut off my alarm on my phone and saw that I had a message on facebook. It was Charles Choate....you know, compulsive liar....the one who cheated on me on my birthday? The one who tried forcing me to have sex with him on prom night? The last person on Earth (besides Cody Conrad) that I would want to speak to? Yeah...him.

He was thinking about me and wanted to see how I was. I replied...trying to be nice because I felt sorry for him. Next thing I know, he keeps persisting for me to give him a chance and leave my boyfriend for him. I tell him that I love Brenden and he tells me that he respects that....but then tells me that I never stopped loving him? Ugh.

This is where the saying, "Let the Past be the Past" comes in. You can't force someone to love you...nor can you force someone to love you again. I tried it....and I've been in the other shoes as well and either role isn't fun. You'll end up getting hurt and rejected. If the other person  agrees to be together again...it's a fork in the road. Either it can great (if you can forgive what's been done in the past), or it can be a disaster if the past resurfaces.

A Perfect Valentine's Day

      As Valentine's Day rolls around, I can't help but to think about the balloons, flowers, candy hearts, and the dates. Shall we go with the typical dinner and a movie? Or oh so over-the-top with carriage rides and hot air balloon rides? I don't really care much for the obvious or even the extravagent. I don't care for that kind of stuff. This is what I would like as a nice Valentine's date :)

      A nice dinner cooked and brought to a place in the middle of nowhere. Candles, blankets, and the windows down and the radio up. A dance or two would be a bonus :) Oh....and pictures together. It's the one day to be romantic and not get criticized for being mushy or whipped. So of course I'd want to document it.

In conclusion, I dont ask for a lot when it comes to my boyfriends. And maybe that's what I have gotten taken advantage of with my past relationships. But I deserve to have one day to be shown that I'm loved.

     So this is a hint to whoever maybe reading this and whoever can pass this along to you-know-who.

Cheers to Love,
     -Candice

Nightmares Unforgotten

When I was about 9 or 10 years old, I snuck behind the couch and peer at the side....allowing myself to view The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. Short version of this story???? I wasn't allowed to watch it but I did anyways. I didn't mind the decapitation or the gut slashing. The Hessian Soldier (a.k.a. The Headless Horseman) terrified me as he put back on his head at the end and his face was reconstructed. His face was so terrifying, I had night terrors for months...even years.

I had a nightmare not too long ago that had the same feeling the one about the Hessian gave me. Both past and present were twisted into a mess of terror. This is what the dream consisted of.

Brenden had come to my house with another girl. Mystery girl. They were cuddling and tickling each other in my bed with a translucent sheet where I could see everything. Later they went out to eat and came back to my house. Finally, I asked the girl why she was at my house. "For romance?" she answered. I turned to Brenden and asked him why she said that and it came to my understanding then that this was his form of a breakup.

Sound familiar? Heart-wrenching, blood freezing, head throbbing pain. It was as if the past was being relived for me except I was actually present like a ghost.

With Cody, I wasn't there when he brought over the girl...but I wasn't stupid. He claimed she was never over there and that she knew about me. Why hide every detail of me living there??? My make-up....my jacket....my flip flops? Why would you try to convince someone that you loved them so much and did everything for them if you turn around and do the one thing that shows the complete opposite. I'm not dwelling on the past. I guess I just want an answer that will never be revealed to me.

I'm relieved for his mistake. I am glad for his stupidity. I'm no longer the trophy girlfriend. The one he showed off to his friends. I'm no long the object of a cruel game where in public, everything was perfect. Everyone was convinced that we were so in love. That couldn't be further from the truth.

I'll write again when I feel more composed.