It Will Rain

Due to work, illnesses, and stupid, stupid, STUPID biology.....I've been away from blogging for what seems an eternity. With the fall semester finally over with, I'm starting to feel like I can be myself again. I felt as if I had been holding my breath and can now finally release it.

I feel different from how I've felt at the beginning of the semester. I feel healed. Healed from all the hurt that was inflicted upon me during the summer. Healed from all the bull shit lies and people who wronged me over and over again. Healed from the name Cody Allen Conrad. And...I couldn't be happier than I am right now.

I'm finally in a functional relationship.....as in.....with someone who isn't selfish, manipulative, negative, and a flat out bitch.

Yeah...I thought that deserved to be by itself lol. A certain friend of mine, I love her to death...but I don't agree with her on some things. Mostly, regarding boys. Near the beginning when things with Brenden got the least bit rocky, she exclaimed that maybe we need to be friends for awhile before we made the next step. I didn't believe her. She said she liked to take it slow. Hypocrite? Just a bit.

I'm thankful for how we are. I'm not set on being friends for awhile before being in a serious relationship. It doesn't matter. I knew Cody since I was 10 years old. We were very close friends. Just because you think you know someone doesn't mean you know them once you're in a relationship with them. Taking that next step really reveals the type of person you're dealing with. A sweet, attentive guy turned into a selfish, whiny, manwhore who took everything from me....or so I thought. He took who I was...but I'm better off being the person I've become.

A leap of faith with Brenden and I couldn't be happier. I mean sure....we get on eachother's nerves and bicker, but I love him and he loves me and that's what matters. That's love. When your world is about to crumble and you're not on the best terms with someone and they come to you with open arms, that's love. It doesn't matter that we weren't friends for a year and took the plunge. We had days and nights of getting to know eachother.

It doesn't matter where he takes you. It doesn't matter what he buys you. It doesn't even matter how many times he makes you mad. It doesn't matter how many times in a day he calls you pretty. What matters is if he tries.

Roses die. Everything physical eventually withers. I'm starting to realize all of this. I've had friends complain of "he never takes me out.", "he doesn't call me pretty enough", "he never buys me flowers". I'm guilty of this as well...I admit it. 

That's what a problem of my relationship was. I was listening to my friends and it all started to bother me. How many times has he called me pretty??? I was bothered by this but he's right. He's with ME. Isn't that enough? If he changes his mind, I'm sure he'd say something about it. I don't need to be called pretty five million times a day to know he loves me. I would like to think that eventually one would get tired of such excessive fawning..unless they're narcissistic.

Let's do a test. Listen to the song "More than Words" by Extreme. Want a cheatsheet? The gist of the lyrics include if the words "I love you" were taken away, how would you show that you love someone?

Last Dance

Like Marilyn Monroe, I wore one of his button-up shirts. We were cooking together one lazy Sunday evening. This was something we enjoyed doing together. I played Michael Buble, Lifehouse, Alyssa Bernal, anything soft. My favorite songs I sang the loudest.....he'd scoop me up and waltz with me, singing along too. He dipped me and kissed me slowly.

I was reminded of this memory in a dream I had last night. This memory was one of the only good ones I can think of Cody off the top of my head. I always knew he loved me when he would dance with me....either in complete silence or with music. In our apartment or in his car. We'd venture off somewhere new and he'd leave the windows down and played the music....we'd slow dance...talking and laughing. That's when I knew I was in love.

Someday I'll have this kinda of moment with someone else. Someone who's worth it.